The Stunt Husband
I don’t understand it. My husband won’t go with me to the concert, won’t go with me to the new German play and has never, ever volunteered to come with me to a poetry reading at our local bookstore. I didn’t know he would be so difficult when I married him, what should I do?
Signed,
Missing Art (not my husband’s name)
Dear Missing,
Every Miss Behaved wife has a Star husband, the main man, the person who puts the ‘community’ into property. However, like most artists, this Star husband can be quirky, moody and very often will do anything to avoid doing dangerous scenes that are part of life. Begging him to do so because the close-up will look more realistic is pointless. The tabloids are rife with stories of Star husbands who refused to show up for museum openings, the formal wedding of a second cousin, and that class in Hindu tapestry weaving.
The Miss Behaved wife, however, will not accept the lame excuse "I’ll be in my trailer" or "I have to practice for a big scene at the office tomorrow." She wants company, she wants it now, and she wants someone else to pay for drinks.
But it is never wise to make a valuable Star perform beyond his range. We recommend you get a stunt.
For instance, you probably contracted with the Star husband long before you realized he couldn’t dance. After carefully editing the wedding video so it looks as if you, the bride, was happily dancing with the Star (when actually it was your cousin Bert wearing the groom’s tuxedo jacket), you may have realized, like many Miss Behaved wives, that you better find a good substitute. Because there are many scenes in a Miss Behaved life that require a male dancing partner.
Miss Behaved wives who like to dance do not wait around for the Star to figure out that dancing is romantic, take private lessons, and surprise her one evening at the local beer hall with his new moves. He would never think to do that because he refuses to watch the dozen or so films like Dirty Dancing or Strictly Ballroom that would show him how to move, if not like a pro, then at least well enough to not be a danger to others. So you need a Stunt husband to do the dancing.
The Wedding Stunt husband is the easiest to find. A Miss Behaved woman can either take a friend to the wedding or borrow a brother-in-law who is already at the wedding, is bored and who loves to dance. In either case, the Stunt should have the stamina to do dancing scenes with both his own wife and the Miss Behaved woman. Most Star husbands will not be jealous. In fact they look upon this missed opportunity to do the Chicken Dance with great serenity. Saved from certain tragedy on the dance floor, the Star sits on the sidelines, smiles for the photographer and drinks another screwdriver while the Stunt husband steps in and steps out and flaps his arms. Payment for this work usually comes in six packs.
Our favorite movies aside, even Miss Behaved women know it’s not all about dancing. For instance, one Miss Behaved wife took her brand new Star husband to the Modern Art Museum. He patiently trailed behind her while she exclaimed and admired many paintings that he secretly thought were silly but, since the honeymoon wasn’t quite over, he held his tongue. It wasn't until they happened across a magnificent hanging Calder mobile that he balked, then had a flash of inspiration. He claimed that, in San Francisco, standing under something like a mobile was dangerous. The slightest tremor would cause the artwork to crash down and crush him. It was too great a risk.
"No," he said, "I can’t put you through that kind of anguish." Thus, he concluded, no more Modern Art Museums visits for the Star.
It was brilliant and purely Miss Behaved logic. Feeling he was in the zone and now would be a good time to continue contract negotiations, he also commented on the season tickets she held for the ballet. He was very concerned with the relative height of the balcony seats in the War Memorial Opera house.
"Those seats are pretty high up", he said, "A Star could lose his footing and tumble to his death , you know."
"Yes," she mused, "a Star could tumble to his death. But it would be quick."
Plus he had just written all the insurance polices in her favor, but that is another Miss Behaved solution. For today, we are concentrating on keeping the Star husband around.
So what did this Miss Behaved wife do? Did she insist her husband shape up and love all that she loved? Did she drag the Star to every program during the season just so he could crinkle his program and complain loudly during intermission that he just didn’t get it?
Taking Miss Behaved advice, she found a Stunt husband. In this case, her Stunt husband had the added advantage of holding a lifetime contract with her as official best friend. And he can dance.
This friend, in fact, embodies all the important features and job competencies for the perfect Stunt husband. He will never marry and become the Star husband himself. His serious relationships accommodate a long- time female friend who needs (and wants) escort to art events, window shopping at Restoration Hardware and lengthy conversations about esoteric ideas and concepts that always sounded a bit pretentious to the Star. He has the same taste in men. He looked great in their high school twentieth reunion photograph. He will always be single.
Long term Stunt husbands need to be single.
The Star husband, in turn, is delighted with the new arrangement. Because a Stunt has taken over, the Star can stay at home doing Star activities: helping with the kid’s homework, cleaning the kitchen after making dinner, picking up the house, watching tapes of West Wing, all in the comfort of his Star-quality environment.
Meanwhile the Stunt husband braves the Grand Tier and buys his loaner wife expensive truffles during intermission.
As she matures, a Miss Behaved woman acquires a number of professional helpers in her life— hairdressers, manicurists, massage therapists, psychotherapists, color consultants, lawyers, doctors, grips, best boys. Why not a Stunt husband as well?
The Stunt saves wear and tear on the Star by doing dangerous deeds, like risking a chance encounter with a tipsy Benjamin Moore sculpture and sitting through the world premiere of Schaubühne am Lehniner Platz. In its entirety. The Stunt can execute a scene in which the couple attempts to parallel park in Berkeley without damaging the relationship or the car. The Stunt won't discuss the specifics of the oldest child’s last report card or why the youngest child can’t manage to land the dishes in the dish washer . He doesn’t care, and in fact must be reminded of the children’s ages. The Stunt doesn’t even need the wardrobe mistress; he dresses for the part all by himself.
A good Stunt husband ensures that the Star relationship will always remain stable and satisfactory. For instance, when one Miss Behaved wife came home from a particularly fine ballet performance, thrilled with the exactitude of movement, thrilled with discussing the performance using really big words, the Star husband raised his head and sleepily asked, "Who won?"
Keep the Star around because he matches the children and that makes for a nicer looking family Christmas photo. But for serious work in the arts, get a Stunt.